Conversations I Wish Would Take Place

These are all just in fun and all made up by myself. Some use actual quotes by the people I'm lampooning, which will be in quotation marks, to make up the meat of the conversations.

This lens is mostly about Humor so I hope it makes you laugh. But it's also about the stupid, crazy, zainy situations and these famous people get themselves into and then sometimes proceed to shot themselves in the foot.

I'll add to this as the moments present themselves.

How I Think This Conversation Went Down

Knock on the Door of Joe Paterno's office one day in 2002

Mike McQueary: Ah, ah, Coach? Could I have a word with you Sir, ah, please?

Joe Paterno: McQueary? I'm a very busy man.

McQueary: I'm sorry Coach, sir, I'll come back later. I'm sure what you are doing is far more important than what I have. Sorry!

Paterno: Damn it McQueary, you're here now so you might as well let me know what it is you want. Are you having trouble cleaning the showers again?

McQueary: Ha ha, ah, well sir, Coach, actually it has something to do with the showers.

Paterno: You know McQueary, you were a pain in the ass when you played for me, which is why you didn't get much playing time. Spit it out son!

McQueary: Ah, well, you see sir I was in the locker room and Coach Sandusky.

Paterno: STOP RIGHT THERE!

McQueary: (Silence)

Paterno: Listen Mike, you are a smart young man that I have always respected. Coach Sandusky, even though he was the Defensive Coordinator, often spoke very highly of you and in fact thought that you would someday make an excellent Coach.

McQueary: Ah, really sir?

Paterno: That's right my boy. When he was being considered the next Head Coach here he talked about adding you on his staff so he could train, mentor and bring you along in your coaching career.

McQueary: Gee sir; I don't remember Coach Sandusky every really talking to me except to tell me to get out of his way.

Paterno: Coach Sandusky was old school, still is. Sometimes he is to "hands on" when he is instructing and, ah, teaching, ah, well, people. He needs to let them learn themselves sometimes.

McQueary: Oh! Yes sir!

Paterno: In fact Michael my boy, I was going to wait until later to break this to you but I guess now is as good a time as any. I have a position open on my coaching staff for next year and I want you to fill that vacancy. What do you say, Coach McQueary?

McQueary: Gee Coach, that's great. I'm your man and I'm looking forward to it. Thanks.

Paterno: Good Mike. Michael, We Are?

McQueary: Penn State!! Sir.

Paterno: Great Mike, I'll speak with you later and I'll see if Coach Sandusky is doing okay. I'm a little worried about him.

McQueary leaves Paterno's office while Paterno picks up the phone and dials.

AD Tim Curley: Hello?

Paterno: Yeah, Curley?

Curley: Coach Paterno! It's so good of you to call, it's been awhile. Is there something I can do for you, do you need anything, anything at all? Are the basketball players getting in your way at the gym again?

Paterno: Shut up Curley. Sandusky was just caught corn holing a kid in the showers. You've been notified. Good Luck!

Curley: Well, ah, Coach? Phone is still at his ear when he hears.Click buzzzzzzzzzzzz.

They Are, Penn State!

Interesting Conversation Between Friends in Time Of Crisis

Phone ringing while caller waits:

Tiger: Hello? Hello? Koby?

Koby: Yeah, Tiger? What's up?

Tiger: Shit! It finally happened. Got caught and confronted.

Koby: So? Just keep your mouth shut and grab your checkbook.

Tiger: To late! I ran over a hydrant and hit a tree trying to get away from a swinging 3 iron last night.

Koby: Damn! Where are you?

Tiger: Hospital, hiding out for a few hours. I leaked that I had serious injuries to buy some time and play for sympathy.

Koby: Hey, not bad but it's only going to get worse. You might want to have someone at the hospital break your arm.

Tiger: No. No! Golf season is starting and I'm going to need to be away as much as possible now, for sure.

Koby: Yeah your right. You weren't drunk I hope. You didn't run over anybody did you?

Tiger: No nothing like that. Nobody else involved and no major crime so I don't have that problem. Just my image going down the toilet.

Koby: That's good man because that's just another set of issues dealing with criminal lawyers and a whole lot more people to pay off.

Tiger: Right. What should I do now though.

Koby: You got anybody you can throw under the bus to divert attention, like I did Shaq. Somebody that might have ratted on you?

Tiger: No. Nobody. I don't even see how I can blame these bitches......er, fine young ladies, I've been seeing.

Koby: Well on that note I would make sure each and every one of these "fine young ladies" are contacted and receive something special before they begin coming out of the wall at you.

Tiger: Done!

Koby: Then I would get home and either tell Elin yourself or have someone relay the message, if she still has a club at arms length, that you are open for renegotiation of your contracts with her.

Tiger: Damn it!

Koby: Hey now bro this is not time to be your usual cheap self. You got to cough up now or things will get mighty ugly. I'm sure she has all the dirt or she wouldn't have gone John Daily on you.

Tiger: Yeah, yeah you're right. But she's going to rake.

Koby: So! You still got plenty of game and plenty of money to make. Look at me, I was charged with rape and now I'm back on top. Don't underestimate the stupidity of sports fans, they're lives are so pathetic they will shell out money to see you play and welcome you with open arms on your first tee shot back.

Tiger: I hate this. The media will kill me.

Koby: Don't worry because once you dominate Phil, Sergio, Ernie and the rest of those losers again they will be singing your praises for overcoming your problems. Look at Bill Clinton, he lied to everybody on TV and he's not hurting is he? As long as you don't go O.J., and hell he even got off until he got stupid again, your ok.

Tiger: Ok, ok. I've been here for awhile so I might as well get out of here and sneak back home. This will suck, at least I've got my golf tourney to go to this week.

Koby: Wait a minute! You're not understanding what's happening here. There is no way she will allow you to shot off to that tourney. You'll be at home going through a living hell this week until she is satisfied that you have been sucked as dry as possible. Dry of your ego, dry of your manhood, dry of your self respect, dry of your money. This is one battle you have no chance of winning, you just have to ride it out.

Tiger: I'm Tiger Woods though.

Koby: Yeah, your Tiger Woods and I'm Koby Bryant and I'm here to tell you they, the media, have been gunning for you all along. Now they have you and will feed you to the wolves. But the best part is when they're done they will realize they need you more. They need you to satisfy their viewers, their listeners, their readers, their bloggers and most important their advertisers. They need you more then you need them.

Tiger: Yeah, your probably right. Thanks Koby.

Koby: No problem buddy. If those bloodsuckers ask me any questions about you I'll get mad and cut off the interview.

Tiger: Thanks again.

While Tiger and Koby Were on the Phone

Elin: Hello? Yes, Vanessa?

Vanessa: Elin!!! Hey babe, how you doin?

Elin: Great!! Girl I finally cornered that Bastard. Cornered and lit him up.

Vanessa: What? What' a you mean Elin, what 'a you mean lit him up? What'd you do?

Elin: I gave him his 3 iron! Right in the mouth.

Vanessa: Wooooh!!! Are you kidding me?

Elin: Hell no! Chicken shit ran out of the house before I could stamp Callaway across his forehead.

Vanessa: Damn!

Elin: Yeah! He high stepped it out the door without even putting his shoes on. Good thing too.

Vanessa: Where the hell 'd he go? When was this?

Elin: Last night girl, about 2:30. The best part though, Mr. cool under pressure, freaked out and ran over a fire hydrant and straight into a tree across the street. Knocked himself out too.

Vanessa: What? Is he ok, is he still in the house?

Elin: No the cops showed up and they took him to the hospital. Good thing for him cause when they showed I had dragged him from the car and was about to start choking.

Vanessa: They stopped you?

Elin: I gave them a bullshit story about breaking the window and saving him. These dumbass cops don't know shit and they're so star struck they'll believe anything.

Vanessa: So girl, sounds like you got everything under control. What's your next move? Take it from me you have everything on your side and now's the time to strike.

Elin: Goin 'a have a wad of cash deposited in my account first! Then we're goin 'a redo the pre-nup for sure.

Vanessa: Well don't stop there. This is a long drawn out process. You can milk it for months, maybe years.

Elin: Oh believe me this is goin 'a last a lifetime. I'll be making a phone call to Jack Nicklaus to let him know his record 18 majors is safe and sound. When I'm through this ass may never win another golf event, not even putt putt.

Vanessa: You go girl! And make sure all the details come out with all these other sluts and skanks. Hell they'll make millions off this too and he's the one that'll look like a clown being lead around by the nose.

Elin: As long as I get mine.

Vanessa: That's right girl!

Elin: Ok, I'll keep you up to date Vanessa I need to call my lawyer.

Vanessa: No problem. Let me know, talk to you later, bye.........Hey Koby, who you talken to on the phone?!!!!

Tiger's phone call of encouragement

Phone rings:

Tiger: Damn! Who the hell's calling me from a private number? Hello?

Bill Clinton: Hey bubba, how you hold 'n up?

Tiger: Hello? Bill Clinton? I mean, Mr. President?

Bill Clinton: Yeah buddy! I just wanted to call and let you know that, "I feel your pain."

Tiger: Ahh, thanks sir but...........

Bill Clinton: Let me tell yuuu some 'n Tiger, "Success is not the measure of a man but a triumph over those who choose to hold him back," so don't let your lesser half pull you down, or slap you around.

Tiger: Yes Sir, that's why I..............

Bill Clinton: Tiger, let me tell you some 'n important. "Sometimes when people are under stress, they hate to think, and it's the time they most need to think." So before you start writ' n checks and sign' n important papers and documents make sure and think, with your big head this time.

Tiger: Well, Ah, I understand Mr. President so I.......................

Bill Clinton: Come on now Wooder, I've been through this to a much greater degree and I can tell you for certain that, "I may not have been the greatest President, but I've had the most fun eight years." The fun's not over Woody, you just have to be more careful when you sneak into the chicken house.

Tiger: Yes Sir I think I understan...............

Bill Clinton: Tiger old buddy, like I always said, "Keep you eyes on the prize and don't turn back." You have a lot of liven left to do both on and off the golf course.

Tiger: Sir, I...............

Bill Clinton: You know my old friend, "We are living in a world, where what we earn is a function of what we learn," and my old friend you earn a hell of a lot, the wife and bimbos both know it, and now you've learned a hell of a lesson.

Tiger: Gee Sir I really didn't think we were that old of frien..............

Bill Clinton: Doesn't matter bubba, I'm here to help, to guide you though these terrible times. There were times "When I feel like the fire hydrant looking at a pack of dogs," ah sorry old buddy I didn't mean to throw in that quote, your circumstances and all. Hee, hee I guess I could change that to," "the fire hydrant looking at Tiger's SUV coming straight at me."

Tiger: That's great sir................Sir? Is, is that all?

Bill Clinton: Tiger, "It depends on what the meaning of the word "IS" is."

Tiger: OK, OK. I guess I'm glad I'm not alone in all this mess of.................

Bill Clinton: Tiger, "It depends on how you define "ALONE"....."

Tiger: Whatever! Gee Mr. President you've been a.................... great help!

Bill Clinton: Don't mention it old buddy. By the way can I have Elin's number. I'd like to give her some words of encouragement regarding this crisis of faith. Maybe I can meet her and heel some wounds, or even............

Tiger: Good by Sir! (Click)

Just Trying to Help Bro!

Sound of Phone ringing:

 

Charlie Sheen:  Yo!

Tiger Woods:  Charles, this is Tiger Woods. How are you doing brother?

 

Sheen:  Woods? Yeah bro, what's up?

Tiger:  Well I just wanted to see if I could help in any way given my own ordeal. You know, lend some advice.

 

Sheen:  Tiger listen, "I got magic and I've got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I'm an F-18, bro." So I don't need any help.

Tiger:  Listen Charles "I stopped living according to my core values. I knew what I was doing was wrong but thought only about myself and thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to." It's the same for you.

 

Sheen:  Look Tigress, "I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was banging 7 gram rocks. Because that's how I roll. I have one speed. I have one gear: Go."

Tiger:  I understand Charles but "In therapy I have learned the importance of keeping spiritual life and professional life balanced." You need to regain your balance.

 

Sheen:  Look bro, "I'm tired-I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't perfect and bitching and winning every second and I'm not perfect and bitchin' and just delivering the goods at every freakin' turn."

Tiger:  Hey, "I don't get to live by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me." It's the same for you Charles.

 

Sheen:  Tigger, Tigger, Tigger, "I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen." And buddy, "I am battle-tested bayonets, bro."

Tiger:  Look Charles if I've learned anything it's that, "If you are given a chance to be a role model, I think you should always take it because you can influence a person's life in a positive light, and that's what I want to do. That's what it's all about." You need to understand that don't you, brother?

 

Sheen:  Listen, bro, "You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That's the whole movie. That's life." Woods, this isn't no golf game, bro.

Tiger:  Look Charles, "Money and fame made me believe I was entitled. I was wrong and foolish." You need to realize this, before you hit rock bottom.

  

Sheen:  "Rock bottom; that's a fishing term."

Tiger:  "You can always become better," Brother.

 

Sheen:  Again, "I am battle-tested bayonets, bro."

Tiger:  Well this isn't going very well, so much for trying to help. I'll just go back to what I do best.

 

Sheen:  "Winning!"

Tiger:  Charles???! Your right, that's correct, "Winning!" I just need to get back to Winning. Wow, thanks for talking to me Bro. This really helped.

 

Click: Buzzzzzzzz

 

Sheen:  "Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words - imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."